The obvious is not always the truth.

“The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.” – Anais Nin.

Life is not only about looking for big facets of it, which are apparent and obvious, but it suggests to observe, explore and interpret the meaning of subtle hints hidden in small things; for- obvious is not always the truth as someone said – “Truth is sometimes stranger than the fiction”.

Life has been a learning experience for me. I leant and realized the worth of subtlety through my experiments with the life. Through these experiments, lots of mysteries unfolded, lots of myths broke, illusions faded, and I realized taking anything obvious at its face value takes me away from the Truth. The obvious may be fake – disguised to deceive, masked to misguide and programmed to prevent from seeing the truth.

The first truth I realized is that I have not seen myself till now and I can’t see ever. As I can only depend on a mirror to see how I look like. But mirror is the biggest liar. It doesn’t show me the true picture; it’s reversed- my right is left and left is right; right?
Hmmmm.. shocking, isn’t it? So when I can see anyone in this world, I can’t see myself. Oh God I am so under-privileged…
Oh I forgot to mention that "I" doesnt mean only "Me" in this article, it actually applies to any individual who agrees with me...

Another big question - “The Sun sets or rises”. A big NO. The truth is Sun never does, it’s the earth which revolves and creates an illusion that the Sun sets or rises. It sets the path of new beginning every day and the credit goes to the Sun… what an irony!

What seems truth may be totally superficial as stated in Matrix- “It’s a matter of belief”. Morpheus and Neo believed that the humans in Matrix are living in an illusion but they along with some of their mates have escaped Matrix and they are fighting against it to set all humans free. That was their belief. But the truth was stranger as revealed by the Architect in the last sequel- It was an illusion created by him in the minds of Neo and Morpheus that Zion is out of Matrix – though programmed to be out of the Matrix, it was actually very much part of it and the purpose of The One is not to fight against the Matrix but to destroy the anomalies in the Zion and build the Matrix again as a new start has to happen. Whatever they were doing was programmed to happen and designed by the Architect.

Rightly said – it’s a matter of belief. We see things, interpret them and make perceptions – right or wrong – whatever, but we all do. Beliefs are a matter of how we look at the things. Shoonya means cipher (null) but shoonya also means antriksh (Universe), which comprises of everything. It’s a matter of what connotation you perceive.

Another belief shattered when I experienced that there is no permanent strength or weakness. At times I have seen my strengths proving to be my weakness and vice versa. For example, having a sharp memory- I don’t forget things – worked too well for me throughout life. But sometimes, if I want to forget a bad incidence of my life, I can’t. It will pop up many a times in my mind, come again and again in front of me this way or that way. Just an example, there are many. So the obvious strength becomes a weakness in disguise and vice versa.

So what can be done to remove the illusions and to see the truth? First thing is one should accept that he is not the perfect and can be subjected to illusions. We all have perceptions – but we were carried by some incidences towards making such perceptions. It’s not easy to deny or leave anything which you developed over a long time. It’s not easy for to accept that your perception is wrong. Even if you realize it’s wrong, your Ego doesn’t allow you to accept. Thus the first and most important thing for you is to unfold the truth about yourself – ask yourself - What you are. To know this, you will face three questions, as my friend Surya asked me-
Are you what others think you are?
Are you what you think you are?
Are you actually else than what you and others think?

And I agreed that - I, like everyone else, have three facets-
I am what others think I am.
I am what I think I am.
I am actually what I am.

The Truth is MOST of the times not what is reflected by the first proposition - "what others think...”. Truth is also MANY a times not what is revealed by the second proposition -"what I think I am..." But the strange truth is ALWAYS exposed by the third one, Hard Truth- the unobvious which lies deep inside my soul. Let me add more to this construct. Our Conscious is related to the first proposition, because I, in a conscious attempt, have made people to think what they think about me. Subconscious manifests the second proposition, as it carries what I think I am. Actually, I am not like what I think I am but I want to be like that. So I am making myself believe that this is what I am. This works in my subconscious mind and I also make conscious attempts for that. So the above two propositions are somehow linked. To make people believe what I am, first I have to believe it. So I would keep reciting “the perception” about myself - to myself and in public too. You must have seen few people saying to themselves, but actually attempting to make others listen, when they make any mistake, like “Oh man! What are you doing?, oh shit! How did that happen?, uff! This is not possible with me, etc etc…
George Orwell once said- “Myths which are believed in tend to become true.”

People sometimes behave in a manner opposite to their basic nature to show that they are like that. I will behave like a detached person but actually I am emotional. As I perceive being emotional as a weakness, I'll present myself wearing a mask of detachment so that no one can take me for granted.

Many people write diary. I believe writing diary is another way of enforcing the perceived beliefs. And it is more dangerous than reciting. Not being cent percent honest and regular while writing diary may be too much misleading and can strengthen the wrong beliefs to the level of egotism. Also, not revisiting previous pages of the diary once in a while is a destructive habit. People change with time and so do the opinions too. Revisiting old pages can help in self-analysis while giving your beliefs a second thought.

People hide their inferiority complex behind superiority complex. They boast, show-off, and sometimes make fun of someone who is exactly like them, just to hide their inabilities, so that no one thinks they are like what they actually are.

So where is the truth? Truth lies in the unconscious- exposed by the third proposition. It tells me what I am. It tells me my real weaknesses, my real strengths, my real desires, my real dreams, which I may have sidelined because I realized/assumed/surrendered that my constraints (mostly avoidable with some efforts) will come in my way. So I have succumbed to my constraints as I gave up putting efforts and buried the truth, but it stays in my unconscious, pops up here and there to reflect in my feelings, nature or behavior.

Turning your back towards something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It’s just like you close your eyes and say that there is no light. Demosthenes supports this when he says-“Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true.” So come out of this illusion, suppress your false ego, move ahead and embrace the Truth that lies beneath so many pretensions, masks and hypocrisy. Enjoy the small things, observe subtlety, love the freedom, and free your mind from unreasonable constraints. And you will realize that your life has become too much worthier to live- for you and for others too.

Like Clarence Darrow says, “Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coattails.”

Who am I - A search for 'My Self'...

Who am I?- Many a times since my birth I had been facing this question more often than the question “Who are you?” which generally others ask at first encounter. I had been giving reply to them for this obvious question as they must have something to identify me. One thing becomes very clear here that the answer to the latter question is intended to give people some information about me so that they can identify and differentiate me with other human beings on this earth. So the purpose here is identification amongst crowd and obviously my answer is “Hi! I am Jitendra Kachhawa”. But is this sufficient to introduce me?, sometimes, No. Apart from this, there is some more information which may be pertaining; like my relations, contacts, my occupation, belongings and my demographics which I use as a reference. So my answer to the question changes from one incidence to another. My identity changes with context and purpose; and as per the role I am playing and the situation I am into. As I have to use some reference point (context) to introduce me and have to give only relevant information (purpose) which the person needs to know. Sometimes I am son, brother, friend etc, of someone; sometimes I am a professional with certain skills; sometimes I am a boss and sometimes a subordinate; sometimes I am a giver and sometimes a receiver; sometimes a teacher and sometimes a learner; etc etc etc…
Thus my name is actually a label which has been given to me by people around me for identification. “Me” here means my face and body and not “Who I am”. So again I face the question “Who am I?”
Well there must be many dimensions in which I need to search myself. Let me try and explore a few of them.

Sometimes I think that I am a puppet who has been sent on this earth to play certain roles and The One whom we call the Supreme Power controls us. Whatever we get, do, feel, think (etc etc), we are destined to do that.

Then I see myself as an astronomical object. I think I am a physical mass who has certain physical properties-like energy and gravitational force, follows natural laws of physics; and my interactions (attraction/repulsion) with other objects on this earth, my effects on them and their effects on me etc, are governed by many mathematical equations which I studied in my subjects. And I also think myself being a reservoir of many chemical components which react with each other inside and with that of other objects outside having a different composition of chemicals. And this chemical energy sets my feelings, emotions and thoughts.

If I have to believe this, then can my destiny be explained by astrology? The planets, other astronomical objects having certain physical and chemical properties; and because of their mutual dynamics and interaction with me as an astronomical object, they must be having some influence on me.

Hmmmmm… this is actually adding to my confusions…

Don’t you agree, it’s very easy to answer the latter question than the former? Because, for answering latter one, I just need to reveal my outer-self and give them information which is visible, apparent and obvious. But to answer a question to myself, I need to be very honest with myself and need to explore my inner-self deep, deep and very deep and to show courage to bring out all the shades of it, brighter or darker; pure or filthy, humane or evil; each and everything whatever it is. But sometimes my fears stop me doing that. Ufff!!! I guess I messed up again because I don’t even know what I mean by “myself”. Is it my courage which guides me to explore the answer or my fear which stops me from doing that?

Well… another thought popped up now. Am I my thoughts and ideas? But which one, the one which I feel consciously or which goes inside me subconsciously without myself being aware of that time but realizing later; or is it what goes in my mind in unconscious state, out of my control, which I never become aware of. Ohhh! What am I talking about now? I still couldn’t find the answer, then whom am I referring to when I used words like- “inside me, myself etc? Now I am becoming restless to know “Who am I”.

Can my Mirror show me myself? Daily I see myself in the mirror and I look into my eyes; sometimes I can and sometimes I cannot. May be when I am hiding the truth with myself or when I have done something which is not “Right” as per my beliefs, then I can’t see into my eyes; and then I find that the mirror is actually preparing me to face this world with lots of disguise and show them my outerself. So the mirror also doesn’t answer the question. How can it? Because, actually it shows you the opposite view- right becomes left and left becomes right; ai’nt it?

Then who can? May be my soul can show me the path in search of myself. Let me delve into it.
I have heard people saying- “I have control over my mind” or ““I am in control of my mind” or “My heart doesn’t allow me for this”, “My mind opposed my heart” etc etc… and I also say these things at times. But who is controlling whom? Does the mind controls me or I control my mind or is it the heart which controls me or otherwise; am I my mind or my heart, who is this “me” which is controlled, just in case, or this “I” which controls? But… As a matter of fact, many a times I have faced a fight within me, which I call the fight between my mind and my heart; when I find myself struggling between paradoxical arguments coming from within myself. So the one which is more logical, practical or analytical, as I believe, comes from the mind and the one which is emotional, intuitional or spiritual comes from the heart. Sometimes I follow my mind and sometimes I follow the heart; again it depends on the context and the purpose. But somehow I believe that the mind tells you the practical opinion after analyzing lots of pluses and minuses (may be using IQ) but the heart tells you the benevolent opinion considering emotions and feelings (through EQ). Just to let you know at this moment, what I mean by “Practical”, anything which is in practice is practical but that may not be always right. Right and wrong is a matter of belief. For me, “Right” is what my ethos and values define, what my conscience allows me to do. Whatever, once I take decision – right or wrong as per my definition, I am ready to cherish the results or suffer the consequences. Whatever, I won’t repent later and fortunately, I never had to.
So… Is it my soul or conscience which controls everything through which I take decision – which I just perceive to come from– sometimes mind and sometimes heart?

Actually the “I” is a bundle of many things. “I” is full of contradictions – a set of positives and negative shades, the pure me and the filthy me, courage and fear, strengths and weaknesses, brighter and darker, perfect and imperfect, right and wrong, practical and emotional, mature and immature – both. And to my surprise, at times I have shown all of these contradicting traits; everyone does. I am both my mind and my heart which are representation of my soul and my conscience. I am my thoughts my ideas, my beliefs, my values and my ethos. I am my logics, my experiences, my emotions and my intuitions too. I am my outer-self and inner-self, as a whole- a single entity, not divisible; only my introduction is customizable as I reveal or hide something in my identity, subject to the context and purpose, and I behave differently with different people in different situations. Few things they know about me, few I know about myself and few no one does. So “I” is my conscious-self, subconscious-self and the unconscious one too. If conscious sets the boundaries for my outer-self- as people see me or what I want them to see me as, then my subconscious and unconscious are also the manifestation of what I have imbibed through experiences; what I learnt, what I aspire for, what I believe, what I like or dislike, what I am scared of; or in nutshell, what I desire. As Sigmund Freud says, “We are our desires”.
- “So am I!” or “So am I?”.

This led me to another question – Could I answer the very first question? If yes then, this answer may again be the one which I want to tell others – through my outer-self. If no then, the question still prevails – “Who am I”

So I ask myself - What is that which, if I don’t have, I will not exist?
And I got the answer – my “Self-esteem” and I have it as I follow my conscience। The moment I lose it, I won’t exist। I may not die but I will not be alive either.


- Jiten :)