JIT Vs Murphy: My tryst with Murphy’s law

Life is the best teacher which practices the best pedagogy, i.e. experience. Through experiences it helps us learn and make few principles which we imbibe in our lives. Later or sooner we realize, there exists a theory which explains the same learning experience which you think you learnt yourself and you own.

In the early childhood and adolescence, I (as a matter of chance) practiced JIT (read procrastination – as a usual human instinct) without knowing the theory behind JIT. In my college I learnt about this philosophy and felt pride in the fact that – “Whats new in this! I have been practicing it since long (doesn’t matter if you name it procrastination)”. With time, I strengthened my belief in the philosophy and made it a religion for my life. Sometimes I also faced hurdles in implementing the same, seemed like, there was an invisible devil who was trying to play against this divine principle. But it was fun till the time I met Murphy. During my Fellowship period at IIM Lucknow, one of the renowned Ops Professors who was a fan of Murphy introduced him to the batch during one lecture. Then I realized the devil was none other than but Murphy. I strategized to make him my best friend so that he doesn’t trouble me ever, but no luck. Since that day he had been my worst enemy and has struck at the worst possible circumstances when I needed JIT a lot. Since then the battle became worse.

With learning experience, I grew smarter and proactive to safeguard myself from any consequences, which might arise as an influence of the great Murphy’s Law. But every time Murphy proved that there is no limit to his intelligence. Still, with vigor to fight, I kept applying JIT in most of the situations. Sometimes Murphy didn’t impact or didn’t impact much. But mostly these were the not-so severe circumstances. May be he just misguided me in a subtle way so that I become careless towards his “moves”. And yes, it was true. Whenever I became ignorant towards him, he struck at the worst possible time when I relied on the divine principle of JIT and had no other choice.

I mention here few of the instances where I tried to safeguard against my worst enemy but could not.

The professor who introduced Murphy to me had once given one group assignment, which carried 40% weightage for that subject. We had 5 days to finish that simulation assignment and needed to submit it at 5pm on Friday. Whole team of 4 people was relying on me, given that they had a blind faith in my knowledge of operations management. I rested till Thursday, making everyone anxious if we would be able to finish it by Friday. But as usual I finished the assignment in my hostel room at 4:30 sharp (JIT way) and rushed to the computer center (CC) to take a print. To defeat Murphy I carried one CD with me and also shared the document on the server so that I can pick it from CC also. I reached the CC and realized that the CD is corrupted. I was not in tension because I had the assignment stored on server also. But!!! The great Murphy made the server go down and inaccessible at the wrong (may be right) moment. It was 4:40pm. I rushed to my hostel burned another CD, also mailed it to myself, reached CC again. The CD again did not work. Even today I do not understand why. Anyway, I opened the mailbox to download the file. The internet was also slow. Downloading took 5 minutes for few KB file. Launched the print command and felt little relief it was still 4:55. I could pick the print and rush to professors room but………. the paper got jammed in the printer just before my assignment was about to be printed. I launched the print to another printer. It was queued and got printed in another 10 minutes. I rushed to the professor’s room and could reach only at 5:10pm. The professor was one of the ones who respect the time a lot (to my bad luck). Anyway he accepted the assignment with 5% penalty on the marks. Murphy you won!

Another story is very recent. It happened when I had to reach Mumbai airport with two of my colleagues. From the client site near Nariman point, it takes at least an hour and sometimes 1.5 hours or more. We planned to leave at 3.30pm to catch a flight at 5.30pm. Generally, when I travel by air, I usually do web check-in and carry the boarding pass with me. It saves a lot of time and also helps in avoiding Murphy’s mercy (read curse). Last time also I web checked-in and also suggested my colleagues but they could not because the time gap allowed to web check-in had exceeded. They did tele check-in. We could not leave the client site before 4. Then we asked the driver to rush it. He made us reach airport at 4:50pm (our luck) but when we entered the counter area, there was a long queue at the counters. We moved to self-check-in kiosks where the other two could fetch their boarding pass but I could not because I had done web check-in and self check in kiosk does not print boarding pass for web checked-in passengers - Irony of the automated systems. Being proactive worked in favor of Murphy. Anyway I had to queue myself into a long trail, got my boarding pass at 5.30pm. Luckily the flight was delayed so I could somehow catch the flight, being the last passenger to board. But yeah… I missed the nice snacks and a beer which my colleagues enjoyed at the lounge in the waiting area.

Also there have been many instances when I prayed that something could go wrong but it didn’t. May be this is also Murphy’s Law. Things going right was not right for me so Murphy made it go right and proved he is invincible.

I have succumbed to Murphy many times and now I respect him a lot just like my Professor. If I would write all the instances here the article would become too long and stretch into a book. I am sure it’s not only my story but the story of all those who believe in JIT the way we practice it (read: procrastination). But there is one thing which I can say if I have to summarize my learning from the battle between JIT and Murphy. Pre and post my introduction to Murphy and his law, my life offered me lot of instances when I tried to defy Murphy’s law but ended up realizing that my moves to defy Murphy’s law were actually programmed to carry me away in favor of Murphy’s law only. So here I coined a corollary of the great law for which I have a lot of respect:

Murphy’s law does not work when it is most required to work.

To know about Murphy’s law and read many variants and corollary of the same please refer to:

http://www.murphys-laws.com/

http://roso.epfl.ch/dm/murphy.html

Whats your Rashi?

I guess this is one of the most interesting topics people pick for gossips and discussions. We all do, right? Whether or not we believe in astrology, for fun we talk about it. We ask each other our rashi (Zodiac signs) and try to guess what characteristics of ours matches with each other. “Ohh! You are a Capri. I am a Virgo. Now I know how we could gel so easily with each other” - is a type of very frequently used statements when we compare the zodiacs.

I love to read my forecast daily in newspaper and love to laugh on those statements. Specially, the rhetoric and jargons used in Hindi newspaper forecasts seem really funny to me and I usually read it loud and make fun in front of friends and family. But all those forecasts apply generically to all people with that zodiac. What should people do to know something particular about themselves? They should go to an astrologer. Astrologer? Should we rely on his predictions? Ohh! The first question is should we believe in Astrology?

I have a very bad habit of asking questions before I digest anything. And I can only digest anything if I find some logical answers to some relevant questions, which can be explained scientifically. Let me try to collate some of the logics from different branches of sciences and see if we can find any reasons to believe in astrology. I will mention below few of the scientific facts and then will collate them to answer the question whether or not should we believe in astrology.

Fact 1:

In school, I studied in physics that every object is made of energy and matter, and each object in this universe has got a magnetic field of its own, which attracts other objects. If that is true, all the planets and other astronomical objects must have their magnetic field. In fact they all have, we all know. Because of the astronomical set-up of all these objects they make a balance and then maintain their position/path movement etc. This astronomical set-up with interference between all the magnetic forces should also make some impact on each of the other objects in the universe including living beings.

Fact 2:

Our body is composed of several chemicals (in liquid, gas or solid form) with different composition, quantity and ability to react with each other. These chemicals sometimes need a catalyst for reaction to take place. I read in a newspaper article, few years back that all our emotions are controlled by several types of chemicals which flow in our body at different times, for example people have feelings of love, hatred etc because of flow of a particular type of fluid. The environment and other external factors affect the amount, flow and intensity of these fluids as well. It was also mentioned that a group of scientists is performing experiments on some criminals, if they can inject fluid of love and change the behavior of such cruel killers.

Collated argument:

Because of astronomical set-up at a particular moment of time, the chemicals (composition, quantity, ability to react) which gets developed in the body of a newly born baby at the time of birth (or may be from the time of conception till the time of birth) gets affected. This phenomenon can define the whole behavior, nature and destiny of that person based on how its magnetic field will interfere with other objects’ magnetic fields and chemicals will react with chemicals of other objects in any form. With passing time the planets change their position, they make an impact on each of the object (and thus on these chemicals and our body as well) in the universe because of interference between their relative magnetic forces. Also, participates the magnetic field of the object itself in this interference (or can I call it star wars). The type and level of impact depends on the characteristics of the chemicals and fluids flowing in a person’s body. Thus the impact of any astronomical event will be different on different persons. This decides what will happen to a person in a particular situation under a particular astronomical configuration during that period of time. And this is what we call the Destiny.

Does it make sense? I don’t know. It’s just a hypothesis.

Anyway. let’s get back to our topic. It doesn’t matter if astrology is a science or a myth. There is no harm talking about it for some entertainment. Well. Did you hear about a yet to release movie “What’s your Rashi?” where a guy meets 12 girls with different zodiacs to find out which girl will make the perfect match for him. Sounds interesting! In India, it happens a lot. Especially in case of arranged marriages, families check for a horoscope compatibility of the boy and the girl. If the same matches on some criteria, they go ahead otherwise they take different routes. Can we analyze this horoscope matching based on our collated argument?

If you look deeply into those criteria, actually each of them relate to some part of your body and some planet in the solar system. It might be true or it might not be. I am not sure. But we have some basis for argument. Ok. Tell me- did you ever say to anybody “humare beech mai bahut achchi chemistry hai”? What do you mean when you say this? Does this statement have any relevance with our argument?

My theories till now have tried to push the argument that there is some truth in astrology. Let me try to think otherwise now. Let us imagine that astrology is a science and the hypothesis we made above is correct. In that case, the destiny of two children taking birth in the same city, in the same hospital at nearby beds, on the same day, at the same time should be exactly same. Does it happen? Forget the case of two children from different parents; it does not apply even for the twins.

Another argument is even if astrology is a science and it makes sense to match kundalis before marriage or make predictions based on the kundali of a person, then whats the guarantee that the kundali was prepared using the right information? As in, there is high probability that the details will not be accurate. Now a days we have advance instruments like digital clocks, which can tell us exact, birth time. In older days, the birth time was hardly recorded with high level of precision.

My last argument is even if we have the right information and thus the kundali is cent percent accurate and astrology is a well-defined science, how much should we rely on the, authenticity, knowledge and accuracy level of an astrologer? After all he is also human and to err is very much human.

Then, should I believe in astrology? I don’t know. Well. I have been always confused whether to believe or not in Astrology. And this confusion still persists. But I am pretty sure about one thing. I never believe in astrologers. The only thing I can believe in is that destiny changes because of the decisions you make and the deeds you perform.

Window Seat Syndrome!

Ohh, please don’t get frightened. This is not the name of any new virus prevailing these days, though it seems like one. It is indeed a psychological virus in every human mind which forces us to behave in a certain manner, sometimes even if the situation does not fulfil the logical conditions for such behaviour. Please forgive me for being mysterious again in my writing style. It is again the same virus which is forcing me to adopt the same writing style I have used for a different group of readers earlier. Ok let me try to put it in a simpler way.

How many times have you travelled in a train or bus or even plane? What is your natural tendency when you book a ticket? “Give me a window seat” – isn’t it? Everyone does, even I do. Why do we ask for a window seat? Let me collate some of the probable reasons:

- Fresh air will flow in
- Allows me to enjoy the outside view
- Keeps me isolated from other passengers
- I can throw anything outside easily or even throw up if needed

Every time I book the ticket, I would prefer to get the window seat. I term such behaviours out of these natural tendencies developed over time, as the “Window Seat Syndrome”.

I used to ask for a window seat in older times often. But that was the time of non-AC buses/trains. Air travel, then, was not so frequent and cheap. Over the time I developed a practice of asking for the window seat always. Now is the time of AC buses/trains/air travel where I cannot actually open the window to let the fresh air flow inside and in night travel I cannot have an outside view. In fact during the day also mostly windows will be covered with the blinds to avoid direct sunlight. In air travel there is hardly anything to see outside except while taking-off or landing. Moreover, I get the screen right in the front of my seat to have different views of the outside but still I ask for a window seat!!!

Let me tell you one incident which happened with me during an air travel in the night. I had got a window seat by chance. Hmmm, actually (let me be truthful) I opted for it by choice (:D ). One old man had got the seat beside me. When he boarded the plane he requested me if I could swap my seat with him because he strongly needed the window seat. He told he was not feeling well so it would be kind if I could cooperate. I could not understand how a window seat in the plane can help a not-so-well person. Anyway, I said “ok” and we swapped the seats. Unfortunately, the old man was suffering from diabetes and later, he realized aisle seat might have been a better option. I realized this too and we again swapped the seats.

How often we ask for corner seats when we go for a movie? Everyone does, especially when we go with our partner. Why? Privacy?? In a movie theatre? Hehehe what are you talking about? Anyway, “no more comments/arguments” about the corner seats.

Let me quote another example. We go to restaurant for a change when we get bored of usual food. Like others, I ask for the menu, scan it completely and then, like most of the Indians, end up ordering some variety of paneer and some daal (pulses). And this will happen every time I go out irrespective of past experiences.

You must have heard the story of an elephant which was kept tied up with a rope since childhood and made to believe that elephants cannot break this rope. When the elephant grows up it still believes the same and does not try to break the rope, even if it has become capable of. Its mind is conditioned in such a way to strongly believe this.

Certain beliefs of ours are just like that rope and we do not break them as our minds are conditioned to follow the practice without giving it a single thought of logics.

Can you recall any such instance, where you have displayed the “Window Seat Syndrome”? Can you figure out the reasons why you do that and actually analyze if that holds true (this is the benefit of being in knowledge network, we are naturally inclined to use the word “Analysis” everywhere, again the same syndrome.)

Do this and you will realize in many of the cases we behave illogically because of the conditioning of our mind due to past experiences. Once you realize this you can break the rope and defy the “Window Seat Syndrome”.

I WILL... :-)

Its the time, I need to stand up,

to do something in my life - "something worth" 

something away from the rat race... 

something for which I am meant for... 

something for which I exist... and... 

something every other human being is supposed to exist for... but 

something for which not everyone has the courage to think and to pursue... 

something which doesnt payback in money but happiness and satisfaction... 

something satisfying to my soul, my innerself... 

So that I dont regret that my life was worthless when I face Him, One Fine Day... 

Wish I could find like-minded people, it would be great... 

If not, I wont mind... I'll walk alone...all the way... but... I WILL... :-)

The obvious is not always the truth.

“The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.” – Anais Nin.

Life is not only about looking for big facets of it, which are apparent and obvious, but it suggests to observe, explore and interpret the meaning of subtle hints hidden in small things; for- obvious is not always the truth as someone said – “Truth is sometimes stranger than the fiction”.

Life has been a learning experience for me. I leant and realized the worth of subtlety through my experiments with the life. Through these experiments, lots of mysteries unfolded, lots of myths broke, illusions faded, and I realized taking anything obvious at its face value takes me away from the Truth. The obvious may be fake – disguised to deceive, masked to misguide and programmed to prevent from seeing the truth.

The first truth I realized is that I have not seen myself till now and I can’t see ever. As I can only depend on a mirror to see how I look like. But mirror is the biggest liar. It doesn’t show me the true picture; it’s reversed- my right is left and left is right; right?
Hmmmm.. shocking, isn’t it? So when I can see anyone in this world, I can’t see myself. Oh God I am so under-privileged…
Oh I forgot to mention that "I" doesnt mean only "Me" in this article, it actually applies to any individual who agrees with me...

Another big question - “The Sun sets or rises”. A big NO. The truth is Sun never does, it’s the earth which revolves and creates an illusion that the Sun sets or rises. It sets the path of new beginning every day and the credit goes to the Sun… what an irony!

What seems truth may be totally superficial as stated in Matrix- “It’s a matter of belief”. Morpheus and Neo believed that the humans in Matrix are living in an illusion but they along with some of their mates have escaped Matrix and they are fighting against it to set all humans free. That was their belief. But the truth was stranger as revealed by the Architect in the last sequel- It was an illusion created by him in the minds of Neo and Morpheus that Zion is out of Matrix – though programmed to be out of the Matrix, it was actually very much part of it and the purpose of The One is not to fight against the Matrix but to destroy the anomalies in the Zion and build the Matrix again as a new start has to happen. Whatever they were doing was programmed to happen and designed by the Architect.

Rightly said – it’s a matter of belief. We see things, interpret them and make perceptions – right or wrong – whatever, but we all do. Beliefs are a matter of how we look at the things. Shoonya means cipher (null) but shoonya also means antriksh (Universe), which comprises of everything. It’s a matter of what connotation you perceive.

Another belief shattered when I experienced that there is no permanent strength or weakness. At times I have seen my strengths proving to be my weakness and vice versa. For example, having a sharp memory- I don’t forget things – worked too well for me throughout life. But sometimes, if I want to forget a bad incidence of my life, I can’t. It will pop up many a times in my mind, come again and again in front of me this way or that way. Just an example, there are many. So the obvious strength becomes a weakness in disguise and vice versa.

So what can be done to remove the illusions and to see the truth? First thing is one should accept that he is not the perfect and can be subjected to illusions. We all have perceptions – but we were carried by some incidences towards making such perceptions. It’s not easy to deny or leave anything which you developed over a long time. It’s not easy for to accept that your perception is wrong. Even if you realize it’s wrong, your Ego doesn’t allow you to accept. Thus the first and most important thing for you is to unfold the truth about yourself – ask yourself - What you are. To know this, you will face three questions, as my friend Surya asked me-
Are you what others think you are?
Are you what you think you are?
Are you actually else than what you and others think?

And I agreed that - I, like everyone else, have three facets-
I am what others think I am.
I am what I think I am.
I am actually what I am.

The Truth is MOST of the times not what is reflected by the first proposition - "what others think...”. Truth is also MANY a times not what is revealed by the second proposition -"what I think I am..." But the strange truth is ALWAYS exposed by the third one, Hard Truth- the unobvious which lies deep inside my soul. Let me add more to this construct. Our Conscious is related to the first proposition, because I, in a conscious attempt, have made people to think what they think about me. Subconscious manifests the second proposition, as it carries what I think I am. Actually, I am not like what I think I am but I want to be like that. So I am making myself believe that this is what I am. This works in my subconscious mind and I also make conscious attempts for that. So the above two propositions are somehow linked. To make people believe what I am, first I have to believe it. So I would keep reciting “the perception” about myself - to myself and in public too. You must have seen few people saying to themselves, but actually attempting to make others listen, when they make any mistake, like “Oh man! What are you doing?, oh shit! How did that happen?, uff! This is not possible with me, etc etc…
George Orwell once said- “Myths which are believed in tend to become true.”

People sometimes behave in a manner opposite to their basic nature to show that they are like that. I will behave like a detached person but actually I am emotional. As I perceive being emotional as a weakness, I'll present myself wearing a mask of detachment so that no one can take me for granted.

Many people write diary. I believe writing diary is another way of enforcing the perceived beliefs. And it is more dangerous than reciting. Not being cent percent honest and regular while writing diary may be too much misleading and can strengthen the wrong beliefs to the level of egotism. Also, not revisiting previous pages of the diary once in a while is a destructive habit. People change with time and so do the opinions too. Revisiting old pages can help in self-analysis while giving your beliefs a second thought.

People hide their inferiority complex behind superiority complex. They boast, show-off, and sometimes make fun of someone who is exactly like them, just to hide their inabilities, so that no one thinks they are like what they actually are.

So where is the truth? Truth lies in the unconscious- exposed by the third proposition. It tells me what I am. It tells me my real weaknesses, my real strengths, my real desires, my real dreams, which I may have sidelined because I realized/assumed/surrendered that my constraints (mostly avoidable with some efforts) will come in my way. So I have succumbed to my constraints as I gave up putting efforts and buried the truth, but it stays in my unconscious, pops up here and there to reflect in my feelings, nature or behavior.

Turning your back towards something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It’s just like you close your eyes and say that there is no light. Demosthenes supports this when he says-“Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true.” So come out of this illusion, suppress your false ego, move ahead and embrace the Truth that lies beneath so many pretensions, masks and hypocrisy. Enjoy the small things, observe subtlety, love the freedom, and free your mind from unreasonable constraints. And you will realize that your life has become too much worthier to live- for you and for others too.

Like Clarence Darrow says, “Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coattails.”

Who am I - A search for 'My Self'...

Who am I?- Many a times since my birth I had been facing this question more often than the question “Who are you?” which generally others ask at first encounter. I had been giving reply to them for this obvious question as they must have something to identify me. One thing becomes very clear here that the answer to the latter question is intended to give people some information about me so that they can identify and differentiate me with other human beings on this earth. So the purpose here is identification amongst crowd and obviously my answer is “Hi! I am Jitendra Kachhawa”. But is this sufficient to introduce me?, sometimes, No. Apart from this, there is some more information which may be pertaining; like my relations, contacts, my occupation, belongings and my demographics which I use as a reference. So my answer to the question changes from one incidence to another. My identity changes with context and purpose; and as per the role I am playing and the situation I am into. As I have to use some reference point (context) to introduce me and have to give only relevant information (purpose) which the person needs to know. Sometimes I am son, brother, friend etc, of someone; sometimes I am a professional with certain skills; sometimes I am a boss and sometimes a subordinate; sometimes I am a giver and sometimes a receiver; sometimes a teacher and sometimes a learner; etc etc etc…
Thus my name is actually a label which has been given to me by people around me for identification. “Me” here means my face and body and not “Who I am”. So again I face the question “Who am I?”
Well there must be many dimensions in which I need to search myself. Let me try and explore a few of them.

Sometimes I think that I am a puppet who has been sent on this earth to play certain roles and The One whom we call the Supreme Power controls us. Whatever we get, do, feel, think (etc etc), we are destined to do that.

Then I see myself as an astronomical object. I think I am a physical mass who has certain physical properties-like energy and gravitational force, follows natural laws of physics; and my interactions (attraction/repulsion) with other objects on this earth, my effects on them and their effects on me etc, are governed by many mathematical equations which I studied in my subjects. And I also think myself being a reservoir of many chemical components which react with each other inside and with that of other objects outside having a different composition of chemicals. And this chemical energy sets my feelings, emotions and thoughts.

If I have to believe this, then can my destiny be explained by astrology? The planets, other astronomical objects having certain physical and chemical properties; and because of their mutual dynamics and interaction with me as an astronomical object, they must be having some influence on me.

Hmmmmm… this is actually adding to my confusions…

Don’t you agree, it’s very easy to answer the latter question than the former? Because, for answering latter one, I just need to reveal my outer-self and give them information which is visible, apparent and obvious. But to answer a question to myself, I need to be very honest with myself and need to explore my inner-self deep, deep and very deep and to show courage to bring out all the shades of it, brighter or darker; pure or filthy, humane or evil; each and everything whatever it is. But sometimes my fears stop me doing that. Ufff!!! I guess I messed up again because I don’t even know what I mean by “myself”. Is it my courage which guides me to explore the answer or my fear which stops me from doing that?

Well… another thought popped up now. Am I my thoughts and ideas? But which one, the one which I feel consciously or which goes inside me subconsciously without myself being aware of that time but realizing later; or is it what goes in my mind in unconscious state, out of my control, which I never become aware of. Ohhh! What am I talking about now? I still couldn’t find the answer, then whom am I referring to when I used words like- “inside me, myself etc? Now I am becoming restless to know “Who am I”.

Can my Mirror show me myself? Daily I see myself in the mirror and I look into my eyes; sometimes I can and sometimes I cannot. May be when I am hiding the truth with myself or when I have done something which is not “Right” as per my beliefs, then I can’t see into my eyes; and then I find that the mirror is actually preparing me to face this world with lots of disguise and show them my outerself. So the mirror also doesn’t answer the question. How can it? Because, actually it shows you the opposite view- right becomes left and left becomes right; ai’nt it?

Then who can? May be my soul can show me the path in search of myself. Let me delve into it.
I have heard people saying- “I have control over my mind” or ““I am in control of my mind” or “My heart doesn’t allow me for this”, “My mind opposed my heart” etc etc… and I also say these things at times. But who is controlling whom? Does the mind controls me or I control my mind or is it the heart which controls me or otherwise; am I my mind or my heart, who is this “me” which is controlled, just in case, or this “I” which controls? But… As a matter of fact, many a times I have faced a fight within me, which I call the fight between my mind and my heart; when I find myself struggling between paradoxical arguments coming from within myself. So the one which is more logical, practical or analytical, as I believe, comes from the mind and the one which is emotional, intuitional or spiritual comes from the heart. Sometimes I follow my mind and sometimes I follow the heart; again it depends on the context and the purpose. But somehow I believe that the mind tells you the practical opinion after analyzing lots of pluses and minuses (may be using IQ) but the heart tells you the benevolent opinion considering emotions and feelings (through EQ). Just to let you know at this moment, what I mean by “Practical”, anything which is in practice is practical but that may not be always right. Right and wrong is a matter of belief. For me, “Right” is what my ethos and values define, what my conscience allows me to do. Whatever, once I take decision – right or wrong as per my definition, I am ready to cherish the results or suffer the consequences. Whatever, I won’t repent later and fortunately, I never had to.
So… Is it my soul or conscience which controls everything through which I take decision – which I just perceive to come from– sometimes mind and sometimes heart?

Actually the “I” is a bundle of many things. “I” is full of contradictions – a set of positives and negative shades, the pure me and the filthy me, courage and fear, strengths and weaknesses, brighter and darker, perfect and imperfect, right and wrong, practical and emotional, mature and immature – both. And to my surprise, at times I have shown all of these contradicting traits; everyone does. I am both my mind and my heart which are representation of my soul and my conscience. I am my thoughts my ideas, my beliefs, my values and my ethos. I am my logics, my experiences, my emotions and my intuitions too. I am my outer-self and inner-self, as a whole- a single entity, not divisible; only my introduction is customizable as I reveal or hide something in my identity, subject to the context and purpose, and I behave differently with different people in different situations. Few things they know about me, few I know about myself and few no one does. So “I” is my conscious-self, subconscious-self and the unconscious one too. If conscious sets the boundaries for my outer-self- as people see me or what I want them to see me as, then my subconscious and unconscious are also the manifestation of what I have imbibed through experiences; what I learnt, what I aspire for, what I believe, what I like or dislike, what I am scared of; or in nutshell, what I desire. As Sigmund Freud says, “We are our desires”.
- “So am I!” or “So am I?”.

This led me to another question – Could I answer the very first question? If yes then, this answer may again be the one which I want to tell others – through my outer-self. If no then, the question still prevails – “Who am I”

So I ask myself - What is that which, if I don’t have, I will not exist?
And I got the answer – my “Self-esteem” and I have it as I follow my conscience। The moment I lose it, I won’t exist। I may not die but I will not be alive either.


- Jiten :)