Who am I - A search for 'My Self'...

Who am I?- Many a times since my birth I had been facing this question more often than the question “Who are you?” which generally others ask at first encounter. I had been giving reply to them for this obvious question as they must have something to identify me. One thing becomes very clear here that the answer to the latter question is intended to give people some information about me so that they can identify and differentiate me with other human beings on this earth. So the purpose here is identification amongst crowd and obviously my answer is “Hi! I am Jitendra Kachhawa”. But is this sufficient to introduce me?, sometimes, No. Apart from this, there is some more information which may be pertaining; like my relations, contacts, my occupation, belongings and my demographics which I use as a reference. So my answer to the question changes from one incidence to another. My identity changes with context and purpose; and as per the role I am playing and the situation I am into. As I have to use some reference point (context) to introduce me and have to give only relevant information (purpose) which the person needs to know. Sometimes I am son, brother, friend etc, of someone; sometimes I am a professional with certain skills; sometimes I am a boss and sometimes a subordinate; sometimes I am a giver and sometimes a receiver; sometimes a teacher and sometimes a learner; etc etc etc…
Thus my name is actually a label which has been given to me by people around me for identification. “Me” here means my face and body and not “Who I am”. So again I face the question “Who am I?”
Well there must be many dimensions in which I need to search myself. Let me try and explore a few of them.

Sometimes I think that I am a puppet who has been sent on this earth to play certain roles and The One whom we call the Supreme Power controls us. Whatever we get, do, feel, think (etc etc), we are destined to do that.

Then I see myself as an astronomical object. I think I am a physical mass who has certain physical properties-like energy and gravitational force, follows natural laws of physics; and my interactions (attraction/repulsion) with other objects on this earth, my effects on them and their effects on me etc, are governed by many mathematical equations which I studied in my subjects. And I also think myself being a reservoir of many chemical components which react with each other inside and with that of other objects outside having a different composition of chemicals. And this chemical energy sets my feelings, emotions and thoughts.

If I have to believe this, then can my destiny be explained by astrology? The planets, other astronomical objects having certain physical and chemical properties; and because of their mutual dynamics and interaction with me as an astronomical object, they must be having some influence on me.

Hmmmmm… this is actually adding to my confusions…

Don’t you agree, it’s very easy to answer the latter question than the former? Because, for answering latter one, I just need to reveal my outer-self and give them information which is visible, apparent and obvious. But to answer a question to myself, I need to be very honest with myself and need to explore my inner-self deep, deep and very deep and to show courage to bring out all the shades of it, brighter or darker; pure or filthy, humane or evil; each and everything whatever it is. But sometimes my fears stop me doing that. Ufff!!! I guess I messed up again because I don’t even know what I mean by “myself”. Is it my courage which guides me to explore the answer or my fear which stops me from doing that?

Well… another thought popped up now. Am I my thoughts and ideas? But which one, the one which I feel consciously or which goes inside me subconsciously without myself being aware of that time but realizing later; or is it what goes in my mind in unconscious state, out of my control, which I never become aware of. Ohhh! What am I talking about now? I still couldn’t find the answer, then whom am I referring to when I used words like- “inside me, myself etc? Now I am becoming restless to know “Who am I”.

Can my Mirror show me myself? Daily I see myself in the mirror and I look into my eyes; sometimes I can and sometimes I cannot. May be when I am hiding the truth with myself or when I have done something which is not “Right” as per my beliefs, then I can’t see into my eyes; and then I find that the mirror is actually preparing me to face this world with lots of disguise and show them my outerself. So the mirror also doesn’t answer the question. How can it? Because, actually it shows you the opposite view- right becomes left and left becomes right; ai’nt it?

Then who can? May be my soul can show me the path in search of myself. Let me delve into it.
I have heard people saying- “I have control over my mind” or ““I am in control of my mind” or “My heart doesn’t allow me for this”, “My mind opposed my heart” etc etc… and I also say these things at times. But who is controlling whom? Does the mind controls me or I control my mind or is it the heart which controls me or otherwise; am I my mind or my heart, who is this “me” which is controlled, just in case, or this “I” which controls? But… As a matter of fact, many a times I have faced a fight within me, which I call the fight between my mind and my heart; when I find myself struggling between paradoxical arguments coming from within myself. So the one which is more logical, practical or analytical, as I believe, comes from the mind and the one which is emotional, intuitional or spiritual comes from the heart. Sometimes I follow my mind and sometimes I follow the heart; again it depends on the context and the purpose. But somehow I believe that the mind tells you the practical opinion after analyzing lots of pluses and minuses (may be using IQ) but the heart tells you the benevolent opinion considering emotions and feelings (through EQ). Just to let you know at this moment, what I mean by “Practical”, anything which is in practice is practical but that may not be always right. Right and wrong is a matter of belief. For me, “Right” is what my ethos and values define, what my conscience allows me to do. Whatever, once I take decision – right or wrong as per my definition, I am ready to cherish the results or suffer the consequences. Whatever, I won’t repent later and fortunately, I never had to.
So… Is it my soul or conscience which controls everything through which I take decision – which I just perceive to come from– sometimes mind and sometimes heart?

Actually the “I” is a bundle of many things. “I” is full of contradictions – a set of positives and negative shades, the pure me and the filthy me, courage and fear, strengths and weaknesses, brighter and darker, perfect and imperfect, right and wrong, practical and emotional, mature and immature – both. And to my surprise, at times I have shown all of these contradicting traits; everyone does. I am both my mind and my heart which are representation of my soul and my conscience. I am my thoughts my ideas, my beliefs, my values and my ethos. I am my logics, my experiences, my emotions and my intuitions too. I am my outer-self and inner-self, as a whole- a single entity, not divisible; only my introduction is customizable as I reveal or hide something in my identity, subject to the context and purpose, and I behave differently with different people in different situations. Few things they know about me, few I know about myself and few no one does. So “I” is my conscious-self, subconscious-self and the unconscious one too. If conscious sets the boundaries for my outer-self- as people see me or what I want them to see me as, then my subconscious and unconscious are also the manifestation of what I have imbibed through experiences; what I learnt, what I aspire for, what I believe, what I like or dislike, what I am scared of; or in nutshell, what I desire. As Sigmund Freud says, “We are our desires”.
- “So am I!” or “So am I?”.

This led me to another question – Could I answer the very first question? If yes then, this answer may again be the one which I want to tell others – through my outer-self. If no then, the question still prevails – “Who am I”

So I ask myself - What is that which, if I don’t have, I will not exist?
And I got the answer – my “Self-esteem” and I have it as I follow my conscience। The moment I lose it, I won’t exist। I may not die but I will not be alive either.


- Jiten :)